@SamTR7: I lost my phone and it's on silent. Man! I should've listened to Beyonce.
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@QwertyJones3: [doctor hooking wires to my chest] ME: What are you doing? DOC: Echocardiogram ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
@RamblingMachine: In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it
@WilliamAder: I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
@I_Bl33d_Purple: I'm trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.