@SamTR7: I lost my phone and it's on silent. Man! I should've listened to Beyonce.
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@SCbchbum: I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
@Brampersandon_: STUDENT: Will there be a final? PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods? BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
@michaelianblack: Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn't mean I'm going to do it again. You're coming across as desperate.
@kumailn: Twitter 1 Act: -Person misreads sarcasm -You point out it's sarcasm -"I know I was being sarcastic back" -Sharpen pencil, jam it in own eye