I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
lmao
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?