Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

Shoo shoo! 😂

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken