I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If snakes were wide
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
no such thing as a dumb question
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
“HELP WITH CAT”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you