I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
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TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
i’m sure it’s fine
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I forgot how to panic. Help
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.