[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”