I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it