I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*