[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.