What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
We found love in a hopeless place.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner