Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.