Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Okay
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Pot warmers of the day.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot