Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.