After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
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Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
new year update: losing everything but weight
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control