My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
That’s classic.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
#SaturdayBears
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013