I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers