I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.