“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Feel. He’s so soft.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”