I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I hate my earbuds.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion