I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
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Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My kitchen overserved me.