– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
You Might Also Like
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.