I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
You had me at “define legal”.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?