Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”