@myonlymizztake: I love carbs so much, I'd let them look through my phone.
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@moooooog35: Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly? Daughter: You're old, that's going to happen. Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
@RoosterMustache: [having sex] ME: oh yeah do you like that HER: faster! ME: *like an auctioneer* doyoulikethat-isee$5foryes-$5foryes-doisee$10-$10foryes
@EndhooS: "Come on now, I'm sure that Megatron isn't such a bad guy when you get to know him..." - Optimist Prime.
@ValeeGrrl: Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV. Now you're ready to have kids.