I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
girls literally only want one thing..
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁