I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.