I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus