@Tmoney68: I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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@MartinPilgrim1: A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she'd just gone to the toilet and now she's back and she hates me.
@JediGigi: [on 1st date] Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single? Me: Single? Who's single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
@TheTweetOfGod: With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they're all deductible.
@slyoung5: Good news: He told me I was his penguin. Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.