I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.