@sammyrhodes: I love donuts so much I want to marry them. But then I'm afraid I would eat all our donut hole children.
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@Ristolable: Every time you get a haircut, you're essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
@brendohare: DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
@EndhooS: [Commercial for babies] *100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk* "There's got to be a better way"
@GrantTanaka: Wife just found out my ring tone for her is "ding dong the witch is dead" so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO