Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
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6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?