I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine