If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Blew my mind.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.