I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know