why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES