INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
You Might Also Like
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]