I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Noted.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape