I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
(True)
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Not today
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Body by sandwich.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.