The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
You Might Also Like
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.