i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them