i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
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When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.