I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours