[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
(Gaming support cat.)
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations