What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I feel this so hard
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…