I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
How to properly lift a body
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
#Caturday
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.