I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
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The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Air conditioning – not a fan
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.