@rachaelkelly18: I love how coffee tricks me into believing I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes
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@TheToddWilliams: [high seas] FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack PIRATE: Arr! FIRST MATE: Oh sorry...the men "are" ready to attack
@TheDailySchmuck: "It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.
@fro_vo: Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent Nun: that's not funny Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is