I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
All generalizations are stupid.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Something Saturday.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
just pretend nothing happened
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.