@MrSandeepP: I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you'll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Friend: *singing along* But I'm a creep. I'm a widow. Me: Weirdo. Friend: Sorry, I'll stop. Me: No, he says...yeah okay, thanks.
@MichaelGoffLA: Apparently organ donation has to be *your own* organ and this police officer has a lot of questions.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word "whore" in Polish? Me: What a beautiful language...
@lurve_meh: They say kill 'em with kindness but it's much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.