I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Every. Damn. Time.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*Inspirational Tweets*