@DothTheDoth: I love how insurance companies offer "accident forgiveness" like they're some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@nbadag: [the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent] ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
@just1fool: Autocorrect changed, "Felt good right?" to "Hours of delight" so I sent it because it's not my lie at this point.
@joeljeffrey: I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
@Reverend_Scott: [first date] "So, I heard you work at the circus." [shallows bread stick whole] Nope. "You sure about that?" [chewing on glass] Yup