@DothTheDoth: I love how insurance companies offer "accident forgiveness" like they're some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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@imdaintyaf: When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
@chickenmclovin: New way to avoid pregnancy: Wear double condom with chilli powder in between. If outer breaks she will know, if inner breaks u will know.
@_troyjohnson: 5yo: "Dad we don't have a chimney. How will Santa get in?" Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what? Me: what?
@maebemarbles: *holds flashlight under chin* "...and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!" *everyone screams in horror*