@DothTheDoth: I love how insurance companies offer "accident forgiveness" like they're some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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@Matt_The_1st: Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
@Pro_Jones_: (Wedding) Priest: They've written their vows Wife: *recites beautiful vows* Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U: Church is the worst book club ever. We've been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven't even read it
@Test_of_Steron: Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.