I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
men are simple creatures
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
wtf is a larm clock?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else