“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
mom gave me mine for free
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]