@TheGayFlash: I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
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@OtherDanOBrien: DENTIST: Been flossing? ME: Yup D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
@slimmy_shady: CarefulWhere's your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
@RidiculousSheri: Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.