i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
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the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.