“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My flabber has been gasted.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s