The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth